A Comprehensive Guide On How To Avoid Strangling Your Toddler

Every mother of a toddler feels like strangling her kids at some point or the other. Because if anyone knows how to push our buttons, they do. As they stand wailing by your side for no apparent reason, that prolonged high-pitched banshee sound eating into your soul as you try to complete one task or another while on a deadline.

Of course, we immediately feel bad for said sadistic thoughts. Especially when we watch how these adorable little terrorists are behaving during peak-cute mode. And obviously, we won't go through with our actions. But we are human too. And we deserve some release.

Honestly, I would rather deal with an entitled client than an entitled toddler! Or do entitled toddlers turn into entitled clients? Fuck, I better nip this one in the bud then. Yes, I said fuck, because the Lord knows worse words are floating around in my head right now. And if you are the kind of mom that will judge me for this, I urge you to stop reading. Why? Because this post will probably traumatise you as much as my toddler has just traumatised me.

To stop myself from bawling my eyes out and indulging in way too much Ice cream and chocolate, I have come up with alternative ways to try and salvage my sanity (and avoid meeting crazy eyes in the flesh).

4 Creative And Highly Satisfying Ways To Cope With Difficult Toddlers

1. Say Fuck Slot

I have written fuck at least five times now. Which means you have read the word fuck at least 6 times now. And as vulgar as it is, saying fuck gives me some form of satisfaction. It's a release, to a very frustrating situation that I don't have control of. In the heat of the moment, the situation often feels unresolvable. So you know what moms, sometimes you just have to say Fuckit!, Fuckit, Fuckit. Put on your resolution hat and move on. But at least you had a moment to vent. And who can resist some instant gratification now and then?

2. Write An Email To The Older Version Of Your Kid

This one is a little bit creative, a little bit reassuring for them, a little bit insightful, and 100% sneaky. Here we write an email to the future version of our kid, the Adult version, detailing the frustrating situation. What you tried, what you didn't try, the broader picture. Explain the economics of it all. And explain to them your reasoning, which they can't understand now. But will fully understand as an adult. If you are very tactful you could get a yummy breakfast or massage out of the deal. Be sure to flag the subject line. Open when you have a #yearold. You could even actually hold it off in draft and send it to him or her when the time is right. You know, when they call you in frustration complaining about your grandkids. Either way, you get to tell your narrative from your perspective, which is excellent therapy on its own.

3. Get the brat to give you a foot massage

Half of the time I know the kid is carrying on because she wants my attention. Unfortunately, as an adult, plenty things need your attention and even more so as a working mom. But sometimes, maybe just giving them that 10mins of undivided attention is all that they need. So why not get a foot massage out of the deal? Pop open a tub of lotion, they get to mess with cream, and you get a free foot rub. Let the role of slave reverse for at least 10 minutes. The nagging hopefully gets resolved, and all is well with the world.

4. Try To Take A Fucking Break

A break doesn't have to be elaborate; it just some time to take to do you. Sometimes the thing we really want to indulge is in not attainable. We try to read, but the book gets grabbed out of our hands and destroyed as we hear the famous words "mommy, that's mine!". I opt for reading ebooks on my phone instead. Of course, if you can manage time for a massage or a coffee with friends, a run, hit the gym or whatever helps take off the edge for you that's great. And I fully encourage it. But sometimes the timing is out, like for me today, and I chose the simple outlet of writing this blog instead, hoping that another terrorised comrade has a good chuckle or feels some sort of solidarity. If this is you today, I salute you, Mommy. You are doing your best, and that’s good enough!

Raising The White Flag

By the time this post is published, I'm sure myself and the kid will have made up already. In fact, she is already lying across my body, using my legs as a bridge. I'm still annoyed with her, but not fucking annoyed with her. And it feels warm and cuddly. And I like it. And just like that, warm hands wrap around my neck and say, “I love you, Mommy”. My heart melts. I think to myself, Fuckit. And I whisper back, “I love you too, my baby!”

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Tags: parental advice, parody, coping with toodlers